Not Nerd, Not Fitness, but (shudder) Politics….

I hate political rants, I really do. They’re one-sided, self-serving, and are statements that are fueled more from emotion than they are logic. Unless they are masterfully crafted, it’s actually hard to write a rant that’s well-received considering at the core of it you absolutely have to offend some people who take the time to read it, which is already a terrible practice if you’re trying to get your message read. It’s just bad business, and it’s why I stay away from such types of outbursts.

With this post, I become a hypocrite and do my version of a political rant. Feel free to step away at this point, but on the eve of the elections I had myself a trigger moment bad enough to where this needed to be written so it can stop taking space in my head. This will be vulgar, it will be emotional, and if I offend your political views or your morality with my own, know that I don’t mean to offend you personally. However, if you can’t handle a stranger’s criticism or someone else’s opinion, you need to remove yourself from anything that involves people other than yourself. This does include political debates, group conversations, children’s sporting events, and anything where another person is allowed to speak against you.

I voted 3rd party. Gary for president, and I voted for him knowing he wouldn’t win.

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Because ‘murica.

This statement causes mixed emotions from anyone who knows it. I’ve heard them all, as we all have one way or another. You’re wasting your vote, it’s a vote for (fill in the blank), and other fruitful variations about how my decision was a waste of a vote. Here’s my response: Why? Wasn’t the fucking point of democracy the right for me to choose who I want for the head honcho? If I vote 3rd party, it’s wasted. If I don’t vote, I’m unpatriotic. If I vote for either candidate, I’m supporting the moral fiber (threw up a little bit on that one) that they stand for. These elections are implying that who I vote for is a direct representation of who I would call my best friend. My choice will piss off 1 in four people at any given moment, and I just don’t fucking care anymore.

Why do I not like the Hillary? Aside from not needing a reason, there are plenty of them regardless. The emails, the mishandling of classified documents, the rigging of the democratic primaries (I love you Bernie), her psychotic smile every time she gets called out on something, her no-fly zone she wants to impose in Syria that will lead to war with Russia and China, and the never-ending allegations that the FBI keeps investigating and then promptly dismiss. As ex-military, if I had mishandled a single flash drive of classified info, my ass would be in military prison, but she’s still being given a chance for the big house.

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The Clinton administration

Why do I not like that orange tumor with a hairpiece? Could it be the endless lawsuits? Could it be Trump University’s lackadaisical education program that amounts to a glorified piece of toilet paper? What about the fact that he’s come all the way to the finish line and has offered nothing more to his future plans other than a wall (that simultaneously does nothing to stop Mexican immigration and the president of Mexico confirmed would not pay for) and the reassurance he has “a great plan”. Seriously, the fact that he’s gotten this far with “it’s a great plan” makes me laugh until I realize it’s not an SNL skit. The unprofessionalism? The hatred, bigotry, uncouthness, and malice? The fact that any of his allegations would have DESTROYED Obama during his race? All of that, but primarily because for the first time in my life a presidency got me involved personally.

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Clown prince of morality here.

Remember that woman who came out about the tumor sexually molesting her on the plane decades ago? You know, this sweet, kindly old woman who’s the sweetest woman you could ever meet? Most of you have forgotten about it because that’s how we seem to remember shit now. People are still whipping their dicks out for Harambe but sexual assault allegations have already left our minds. Well, that woman is my grandmother, and I was more shocked than the rest of you when that came out. I knew that story up to the point where he was rude, and when he met her at the charity event and called her a cunt. Yes, a cunt. When Anderson Cooper kept asking her again and again what he had said and she wouldn’t say (because she’s a FUCKING LADY), the word was “cunt”. Cunt was the word, it was CUNT TO BE FUCKING CLEAR, MR COOPER, MOVE THE FUCK ON. I hated him just for calling her that, but then I heard he tried to get a handful of…..I’d rather not type it out as the thought makes me sick.

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Seriously dude, thanks for the interview, but stop trying to get my grandma to say “cunt”.

But after all this, why now do I rant, when it’s too late for me to bother? Because regardless of who makes it in, we will still be here, and I still have to listen to this bullshit go on and on. So since I’m finally triggered, let’s go ahead and get to the ever-emerging point I hope to get to. I peeked at CNN to see the voting update. There were a few states showing who had won, no swing states yet, and it being a really close race. My nomination has already been knocked out of the game, but I don’t care about that. What suddenly spun me into a fury was seeing the funniest little pop up appear in the bottom left corner of the screen.


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I found the next republican candidate election suit!

I lost it. The presidential election coverage, brought to you by a fucking car commercial? Is the news station (CNN just for reminders sake) so strapped for cash that they needed a SPONSOR to cover the most watched and anticipated moment in 2016? We’ve been called out for losing our status as a democracy and been reinstated as an oligarchy long ago, and this is the final nail in the coffin. Super pacts, election sponsors, and even mother fucking MAJOR NEWS STATION SPONSORSHIPS just to cash in on the biggest political fiasco of four years.

I don’t feel patriotic for voting, I feel sick for our system. Sure, you’re vote counts, but only if you’re the majority of your state. Since I’m one of fifty people who voted for Gary, those won’t even make it to the scoreboard. If less than 50 percent of a swing state votes one way, that state behaves like everyone wanted the opponent to win. How is this the voice of the people?! How does this show how we feel? Do I have to be a gun nut and against abortion if I want to be religious? Do I have to endorse lattes, non-violence and marijuana if I want to be called a democrat? Imagine the following:

Marijuana has turned Colorado around to the point where they are going to give a dividend to the people, not to mention it can be amazingly fun and hasn’t caused an OD since it’s inception. I do believe that we need higher pay for police officers and teacher alike, since one will protect you from evil and the other will help mold the ones who will care for this world when we are too weak to do it ourselves. We should honor and support our military, but the military is full of so many redundant systems that were born from its validation to continue. I believe that a woman should not be forced to carry a child conceived of rape against her will but shouldn’t use abortion as alternative birth control. I believe you should be allowed as many guns as you want to own, but you DON’T NEED A FUCKING ARMORY TO BE HAPPY. I love religion, but hate the zealots who use it to justify personal opinion (not faith, OPINION) and think the church needs to start paying some taxes.

Knowing the above, am I a republican or a democrat?

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We may never know, and I’m cool with that.

Tomorrow I will wake up, go to work, and go about my day as the US decides how it feels about our soon-to-be president. You know what? I don’t fucking care. Whoever in that seat still needs to deal with Congress, which is full of members who wouldn’t be eligible for re-election if there were the same term limits as the president. People will stop giving a shit about politics, instead of focusing on who they should vote for in terms of congress, senate, mayor, governor, and local dog catcher. People who only vote for president are the fucking posers of politics.

Phew, got that off my chest, maybe now I can focus on my drinking. Take care, and remember these words when Russia and North Korea decide we need to be taken down a peg or two. Hopefully whoever gets to run the show gets blamed when the rest of the world is tired of our pretentious shit.

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Dicks out for Harambe.


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