“If At First You Can’t Adult, Fake It”

Hoooooo boy, did today flat out destroy me, and my body feels fine.

After three months of being unemployed, today was the day that I reentered the working world and began my new job at a Fortune 500 financial company. I’m being ambiguous with it right now for the simple reason of keeping my ass in check as I understand what’s cool to say and what isn’t. Though I hadn’t worked for the military since Christmas Eve, I officially separated on the 22nd of February and didn’t get to start my new career until just now. That’s a lot of vacation time, and it was a huge help to get myself on track with my fitness.

Still, three months is a long time to be stuck at home with the gym being your constant source of outside world interaction, so I was pretty excited to start my first day. Now, it was just an orientation with thirty people, but the whole time I’m talking to strangers with the same random thought in my head.

“Oh boy, they talked at me! This is my new friend! He laughed at my joke! THIS IS MY NEW FRIEND!”

Needless to say, I’ve befriended everyone in the room, they just don’t know it yet.


Anyway, the key purpose of this orientation becomes painfully obvious after two hours; benefits. This company offers a lot of benefits, and each plan has different options. We get the nitty-gritty about what we can choose, what might be best for us to choose, and how soon we must choose. Then we move to the next benefit, and presented with three more options. Want legal consultation? Check out this offer and choose between the two we have. Want rabid badgers to wrestle in your underpants while E. Honda does his “hundred hand slap” to massage your lower lumbar? That’ll be 65.09 out of every paycheck.

It wasn’t even lunch yet and I found myself being overwhelmed. I’m freaking out because I have TOO MANY OPTIONS to work with, and I’m going to be in a job trying to tell other people how to handle their money? I’M FLAT FUCKING BROKE RIGHT NOW! I’m the last person who should be telling you what to do with your funds! I’d say if you got so money go be happy, live in the moment with a couple microbrews, watch Daredevil on Netflix and forget about tomorrow. Who am I to tell you?

My general state of mind.

After lunch and some breathing, I calmed down as they explained that I’m getting licensed to do my job, and this company is actually going to pay me to do it. This is a relief, and ironically enough this will be the second time I’ve been paid to take classes for advancement. I may be scared, but I’ve been on vacation for too long, and I just need to remember that I’m stronger than I realize. My fear does not make me weak, it just keeps me on my toes.

That, and my wife promised to make me a blanket fort at the end of the week when I get home to enjoy my first weekend after work.


So I was able to make it to the gym, those tonight was definitely a day that I had to drag my own happy ass to go. I got my elliptical again, stopped dead at 20 minutes, and did some free weights, ab machines, and triceps. I actually tried a new full body where I took 75 pound weights in each hand and walked 100 feet three times. It was pretty intense for me, and I almost dropped them sum bitches on my feet on the last walk. I got a sideways glance from someone on the machine, but thankfully didn’t get the lunk  alarm pulled on me.

Now I’m here, glass of red wine and ready to collapse to resume the rat race tomorrow. It’s more “getting started” stuff, but now I’m hoping I won’t be in as much shock to deal with the day.

Hopefully I only think about curling up into a ball and taking a nap no more than three times.


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